The lesson at church this week was on the Ten Commandments. Our interim pastor, Rev. Waak is an excellent teacher. Its been an incredibly long time since I gave an active thought to following God's laws for us. But inherent in my being are these guidelines because my parents made sure that I went to church weekly and learned God's word. When I was a child, I fought rules and guidelines to a certain extent, just like all kids. I didn't stray too far from the rules because I didn't like consequences. As I've matured, I realize that God, my Father, and my parents, make rules to enhance our lives and bring us closer to the One (ones) who love us.
Exodus 20:12 reads: Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord you God is giving you. (The New Student Bible, New Revised Standard Version)
What a gift we would all enjoy if we follow this rule. Over my lifetime, I have tried to do this and at times it has been so hard. My mom was my best friend. We talked daily and shared so much. The process of her aging and death numbed me. I walked mechanically through all of the duties of caregiving and taking care of business. I took care of all of the stuff, but didn't take care of the emotional side to losing a parent and a best friend. Even now, almost 5 years since her death, I really haven't mourned. I just keep taking care of business. The day before she died, I promised her that I would take care of Dad. I wanted her to know that she could leave her earthly being unburdened.
I was trying to be noble. I was trying to help. I was doing what I thought God wanted me to do...honor thy father and mother. I truly believed that I could do it all. "Superwoman" complex. I wish I had promised that "we" would take care of dad. I wish that there were more of me (and Hank). I wish that...well I guess that wishes don't account for much.
There are some song lyrics that say "I wish I knew now, what I didn't know then." Would I have changed my promise? Probably not. Because I know how much my parents did for me, so its my duty to honor them. The bad part about parenting and caregiving is that you never feel that it is enough, you walk blindly into lots of situations, and you have to make the toughest decisions.
Mom's illness and dementia were so intertwined that we dealt with the physical illnesses over the loss of mental ability. Dad is still so physically fit, but its his mind that has lost its ability. He fought everything and everyone when it came to dealing with his memory and mental losses. He has kept saying over and over "I am not crazy!" And Dad, you are not crazy! You have an illness, just like cancer, or heart issues, or any other physical illness. The problem was and is that we can't fix this issue.
This past May, Dad spent sixteen days in two different hospitals. We had to force diagnosis and care for Dad. It was devastating to me. Again, it was devastating! At the hospital, Hank and I got help from his wonderful caregivers: Priscilla, Nelda, and Joshua. But, we felt so alone in all the decisions that needed to be made. Thankfully, Dr. Hines, and the interns at Bay Area hospital were on our side. Hank and I had to be the "bad" ones, who against dad's wishes made sure he got the correct care that he needed. So "honor" in this situation, sucked. I needed to help him against his wishes. I know now that he is so much better with medication and a new living situation, but I mourn daily the infinite losses of his memory and his ability to live where he wants to live.
Honor is a noble word, with lots of messy, heartbreaking, time consuming, self-doubting connotations. Sometimes we just want to run away from this honoring. We need a break. We crave support.
I love my parents. I will always love them. I miss my grandparents. I miss Hank's parents. I hope that one day, when I stand before my Lord, that He will understand that I did my best. I'm really trying to honor them. And I hope that my children and grandchildren know that "I know" how hard to honor someone can be.
"God doesn't give us what we can handle; God helps us handle what we have been given." Etsy.com
Mary, as you know I have lost both parents. To but it bluntly, it sucks. Both still had their "mind" and "senses" at the time of their death. I have often said how lucky we were that although both parents were very sick at the time of their death, they did not suffer - nor did we from the affects of dementia. I like you have questioned if I did all I could. I hope so. I think we both have honored our parents in their living and even through their dying. Hugs to you! Martha
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