Finding Your Way

Throughout my life, I witnessed my dad and mom using maps to guide us on our many travels.  The joke inherent in the map reading was that eventually my dad would get lost and we would end up at the city dump.  No kidding! I've seen so many land fills throughout Texas and the mid-west to the southwest that it became commonplace.  As an adult, I must admit that I'm not much of a map reader and I am ever grateful for new technology that is mostly foolproof.  

In life, I'd like to say that we can navigate through almost anything, as long as we have good directions.  Unfortunately, life doesn't come with roadmaps.  Even when I thought that my life was headed on a straight and narrow road, it has always had detours.  Caregiving is a very convoluted road that I have come to navigate blindly at times.  

I want to step into this blog by clarifying that I have not now, nor ever had to give care for someone in my home other than my children and husband.  For those of you who are in that situation, my heart goes our to you.  I have heard from friends and others who never get a physical, mental, or emotional break from giving care 24 hours a day. So my talking about my experiences will not ever be able to address their issues.  

Rather, my need to talk comes from a desire to let go and maybe help someone else down their road in life. 

I hesitate to use bible verses out of context, because they do no convey the exact message they were intended.  However, this portion of the verse from 2 Corinthians, can be used to sum up how I approached caring for my parents.  I really had never thought to use the myriad of resources available to me, because I simply didn't have time. In retrospect, I mourn the fact that I could have found some comfort in dealing with aging grandparents and parents had I used the library and internet a bit more.  And although the author, Paul, of 2 Corinthians is using this in a completely different context,  I did find that sometimes being sightless moves us closer (or in some cases farther) from our faith.  I guess I've been lucky that  my journey has been a closer faithful journey.  

Now, in all honesty, I will say that this "church lady"  as my children have referred to me in the past, is very capable of jumping into the culvert next to the road and screaming expletives!  I have railed against any and all people and circumstances when I have felt overwhelmed. I still don't "get" why some people get "outs" of situations and Hank and I don't get "outs". 

And I reckon that this will not change.  The nice thing about knowing my God, is that it has shown me that God didn't pick perfect people to deal with issues.  His own apostles were a motley crew who grew in faith and service by dealing with difficult issues.   

I think that it is extremely important to vent and scream and cry.  I was given an amazing gift when God gave me Hank.  He has been my rock and the rock for my parents. People close to us have been amazed that this son-in-law had taken on so much of the physical labor and loving and giving of time and energy in all aspects of my folks lives.  He has listened to my crying and frustration and pain mostly without complaint.  He sees what I see in the situations and when we differ, he always comes up with the logical way to handle life.  I think one of his gifts is his "JFDI" attitude.  ("Just F__ Do It")  Now if you don't have this attitude, then you may not understand.  But you should adhere to its premise, because the reality is that no one else will do the unpleasant parts of your life. 

Tools and knowledge become essential when giving any kind of care or navigating unknown roads in life. Thankfully, I watched my folks give care to their loved ones, and knew  some of the emotional road.  But I didn't have the tools or knowledge to navigate the medical, legal, and caregiving parts.  We did get my name on the bank accounts and did have power of attorney for legal and medical set up in advance.  But you learn that no matter what you do, there is always some roadblock ahead.  Like the fact that medical power of attorney doesn't cover dementia or psychiatric care or allow you to deal with the VA.  Or the fact that nursing homes and assisted living homes get to pick and chose their residents.  You find out that hospitals cover their own liabilities before that of the patient.  You find out that no matter how long its been since your mother passed, that if her name is on any of the legal documents, you must still provide a death certificate in order to deal with your dad's stuff.  Thank goodness, we ordered plenty after Mom passed. 

Now that I'm no longer employed, I have been able to spend a bit more time looking for help.  I found a great website called www.dailycaring.com that has wonderful articles and links for dementia and aging.  After the fact, I found great websites to help you place a loved one in care facilities.  After the fact, we found articles that could have helped us navigate the changes we saw happening with both of my parents.  So my message here is that if you are seeing this situation unfold with your loved ones, the time is now to look for help, not after the fact like we did. The reality is that unless you die before your loved ones, you may be that person in charge of your aged or ill relatives. 

There is a saying that "a little bit of knowledge can go a long way".  My advice is to get more than a little bit!  And whether you walk by faith or sight, you need to have a strong support system in place.  Hank is my daily support,  as well as my children and grandchildren.  I always rely on my God to pick up all the pieces and put me on the right road in life. 

I like to use Pinterest. as many of my friends do and so I think I will end with this quote from Spiritual Inspiration:

When you feel overwhelmed and you're temped to take everything into your own hands, you have to make yourself be still.  The battle is not yours.  The battle is the Lord's.