It's Time to Talk

By nature, I am not much of a talker.  By profession, I talked all day long.  And by vocation, when God had called me, I taught and talked.  The past eight years, I have kept my thoughts open only to a few.  I thought it would show weakness and selfishness if I spoke out loudly about myself and my loved ones.  My friends and colleagues knew some of the story when I was working, and of course, Hank and our kids knew.  But I even held back from burdening my loved ones with my ongoing thoughts.  My mama taught me that "if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all" and "pretty is as pretty does". And I subscribe to the practice of talking to God about my life.  

But lately, I have felt a real need to unburden myself and maybe even let others in on this aging process of my own and my loved ones.  I have started searching the internet for others who are in this "time" in their lives.  This blog was titled "Failing to Age Gracefully" kinda as a joke when Hank decided he wanted to join our kids in their blogging efforts.  We were in such a busy time of our lives, that our blogging efforts didn't take hold and we let it lapse. 

Now that I've "retired" from my professional job, I have had too much time with my own thoughts.  I haven't been able to retire from work, however.  My continuing care of my parents and their lives is my ongoing job.  It started about eight years ago when my mother started the downhill battle with ongoing illnesses and dementia.  After her death, it became apparent that dad's physical health issues were not near the problem as his slide into Alzheimer's disease.  And this past year caused me more heartache and grief than I've ever had to deal with in my life.  Hank has joined me in every step of this process and was the mainstay of my dad's life for four+ years. 

And so it"s time to talk.  It"s time to share. It's time to unburden.  It's time to hold up those people in my life, who have made my life bearable. And it's time to let others in on just how "ungraceful"  some of life can be. 

I will certainly understand if you don't want to follow my journey.  I really don't expect it of anyone.  I just need to do this.  

For those of you close, you will recognize the place of these photos.  Perhaps you will recognize the images as  memories.  For me, they are daily images.  They belong to my life and my responsibility.  They don't get to be ignored because they are painful or hard to deal with.  My folks decided that I would be the one to make decisions legally for them.  In all aspects of their lives...until their death and beyond.  I certainly didn't ask for the job, but I got it.  And because of proximity, I guess I got everything. Not just the legal and medical, but everything.  And it sucks.  Just plain sucks.  But in small moments it is sometimes beautiful. But this is what this blog and journey will address. 

So it begins and I will talk.  I may even ramble.  I hope to add in the good along with the sad.  I will also always include my faith in all that I write.  I really want my own children to hear these thoughts because they may have to step into this life and be there for Hank and I.  I really don't want them to have to feel the anger, pain, sorrow, and even guilt that I have to deal with daily. I want to ease the way, so that they realize that all of their feelings are normal and it's okay to feel the way they feel. And I want them to walk with God throughout it all.

So here ends this beginning.  "God didn't promise; days with pain, laughter with sorrow, nor sun without rain, but he did promise:  strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."